Quickie Update

1) Still pregnant.

2) Up all night with intense ctx AGAIN. Finally fell asleep around 6-ish.

3) Woke up at 7 with lingering ctx.

4) J decided to stay home for the morning so I could get some sleep. This translates into even more hounding for poor him from well-meaning people at work wondering when in the WORLD this child is actually going to make an appearance. If he doesn't come today, I mean. *crosses fingers*

5) Despite all that last night, ctx are irregular, at best, now-- although every couple times they are wicked intense.

6) Just a reminder, when I first starting "taking bets" about Jamie's birthday, I predicted the 25th :) We'll see if I was right!

Staying the course

Still pregnant, still contracting, still determined.

I spoke to my midwife the other day, just to touch base mid-week and let her know how things were going. In the course of the conversation, she reminded me that waiting till the timing is right and letting things run their full course is so much better than forcing labor to start before the baby and my body are ready. This I know. I know it intellectually, but right now I'm sick and tired of all this. This y'all know. :) I haven't been shy about telling it like it is. I told her on the phone, if anyone gave me half an excuse, I'd sign up on the dotted line for an induction RIGHT NOW. Even knowing all the statistics about the inevitable cascade of interventions and the likely-hood of a c-section (given my history). In the exhaustion and impatience of three days past my (ultrasound) due-date, I'd give up everything I know just to have it be OVER right now. She chuckled and then I sighed and admitted that was only half true, I really was committed to what I think is the Right Way and her job, and J's job, is to keep me from doing anything stupid while I"m half crazy with hormones and impatience. And then she said something that's been stuck in my head since then,

"You see, don't you? why so many women are talked into interventions they don't need by equally impatient medical professionals?"

Yes, yes I do.

People often respond to the fact that I'm having a home birth by saying things like "You're so brave," or "I would never have the never to do something like that." But the truth is, I have home births because I'm afraid to entrust myself to the medical mainstream. As a pregnant woman, I do not feel that they have my best interests at heart. I do not think the average ob/gyn is committed to helping me be and do my best-- to stick to what I want for my birth and my baby. Instead, I feel that they are there, hovering, waiting for me to reach the end of myself so they can swoop in with all their knowledge and equipment to "save the day". That's not what I want.

I don't want to be "saved" by impatient, well-meaning professionals who's main goal is to get a live baby out of my body as quickly and hassle-free as possible. I want to be encouraged, inspired, challenged to do my utmost. I want to be supported, uplifted, helped and inspired to endure to the end. I want to get through to the other side-- MYSELF-- and look back and know that by the Grace of God and with the help of my husband and women who were committed to Jamie's and my Best, I stayed the course. I accomplished something awesome, even though it was freakin' HARD.

In addition, I want, in the quietness of my home, and under the protection of my husband and knowledgeable women, to have the beautiful privilege of participating in the act of creation. To reach the end of myself and have, not a glove and a gown, but Almighty God, step in and extend His strength beyond my own. I want to be surrounded by peace and respect for the miracle of new life, as I reach forward and life my son into my arms.

In the end, the truth is, I home birth because I'm afraid of my own weaknesses. I am not a super-strong, militant, determined woman. Truth be told, I'm kind of a wimp. But a wimp with convictions about what's best for my baby. So I surround myself, during birth, with people who are passionate and strong and wise and who I know will help me make the right choices-- not the easy ones.

Because, seriously, if I could get my hands on a vial of pitocin right now.... Well, I could hardly be held responsible for my own actions at this point, right??

Thank you, God, for Old Navy Maternity, clearance sales and the U.S. Postal Service!

Thank you also for a husband who works tirelessly and dedicatedly at his job so that we have enough money that I can occasionally splurge on new maternity clothes even though I'm about to drop this baby any day now.

Thank you for Ebay and the comforting thought that at least I can make back some of what I splurged since the clothes will be practically brand new (please God!).

The last few days have been rough-- I'm not going to lie. Contractions have ranged from simply annoying to flat-out painful. Yesterday when I went to pick J up from work, I could barely walk around from the driver's side to the passenger side. I've gotten a couple nights of good sleep in the last week, but the rest of the time I wake up sometime in the wee hours and labor for a couple hours, falling back into exhausted sleep around 5 or 6, only to wake up again at 6:30 to the day's normal activities.

I've not been posting much (duh) mostly because I'm getting tired of talking about it. I've said before, it's a mind game. For example; last night J and I were both thinking he might not go into work this morning. Things were intense. He even called the midwife to let her know that things might just come to head any time. Around 8 I just went to bed, so I could try and relax a little. But at 8:30, the ctx just freakin' QUIT. Just like that *snaps fingers*. They were gone and I got this burst of energy and tidied up the house, helped him get the kids in bed and washed the dishes. It was like I had dreamed the whole thing up till then. Or like it happened to someone else. I'm getting tired of wondering if it's all in my head, if I'm making it up, if people are beginning to suspect me of being a chronic hypochondriac. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really pregnant, or maybe I dreamed that up too! (that feeling doesn't usually last too long, though, considering the size of me)

I was pretty bummed last night and then the Lord put this verse in my head:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.

It was a bracing reminder that my own understanding (as confident in it as I tend to be in this particular area) is ohso limited when confronted with the plans of God. I have no idea what He's doing with my body right now, but it's completely outside of my control. And if I try to take control, I will only mess it up. I have to give it up and simply be a vessel, for as much longer as the Lord sees fit to require that of me.

But with the admonition of that Scripture, the Lord also sent comfort-- He does remember our frame is but dust :)

1) Quiet time with J before work-- we woke up early on purpose and it was worth it.

2) Children slept in an extra half hour.

3) The postman bringed me a package!!!! Oh the pretties!! Most of them are nursing things for after Jamie is born, but there were a few maternity tops in there, too :) And some white linen shorts. Yum!

4) As the looming pile of filing on my desk slid to the floor, the ultrasound pics from Jamie's 22nd week were uncovered-- reminding me that in the end, it will all be worth it. And I'll forget these hard days in an instant when I hold that tiny wet body and look into his eyes for the first time. Bliss!



And thank you, thank you, God for creating the colors coral, hot pink and lime green!

Sleep....

......that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast.

I went to bed last night at 11 and got up this morning at NINE! Praise the Lord! No contractions, very little heartburn, just a couple of trips to the bathroom.

*sigh*

It was lovely. I woke up feeling like I could lick fifty tigers today :) Or at the very least, survive the last three weeks of this pregnancy. I even made pancakes for breakfast. And still no contractions! Yay! Let's see if I can clean the house and get ready for Sabbath without waking the sleeping beast.

On the flip side, Sofi caught J's cold-- coughing so hard last night she actually threw up! And Judah seems to be fighting it off, too. So we may or may not make it to church tomorrow.

On the house-hunting front: We've narrowed the list down to our top four picks and are working on scheduling a second trip to each house. I hope to get that worked in by the end of next week. I'm trying to jam a lot into the next two weeks-- baby coming and all...

In particular, I REALLY want to buy a rocking chair! I've been haunting Craigslist for MONTHS now and several really nice ones came and went while the stupid truck was in the stupid shop for so stupid long. You can tell I'm not really dealing with THAT whole thing very rationally yet. Anyway, now that the truck is back on the road, people seem to have decided not to sell any more glider/rockers. I'm not sure I can actually give birth without a rocker in the house. I can't believe I had to leave mine behind...

The midwife's home visit was this week. Jamie is finally settling down into a good position and seems to be hanging out in OA more than OP these days. HOOORAY! But I'm skeptical (after two other op labors) that it will last. He is Low Down, though, and my pubic bone is suffering mightily. I look like an old lady, the way I walk around these days...

Since I'm feeling so great today, I want to start planning and nesting and all that :) So I have a couple questions for you other mommies...

1) Older children present at the birth of their siblings-- yes or no? I was at the birth of my last three siblings, remember it vividly and should probably credit it with giving me the confident perspective on birth I've had ever since I can remember. I'm not really concerned about things from Sofi's point of view-- she'd love it and be fine. I'm more wondering how I'd handle having her there. Would it be a distraction? Would I be able to focus on what I was doing and not feel that tug to my Mommy-Self? Know what I mean? Any of you with opinions, air them! :)

2) Labor play list! This is one of my favorite "getting ready for labor" things to do. Anyone have any favs to suggest? I like a pretty wide range of music-- although I'd draw the line at heavy metal...

Labor update

Just to let interested parties know, there's a new post up :)

More philosophical conversations with Judah

Today in the pool we were discussing Jesus' dead body, which was brought back to life and then went to heaven for a new body (Judah thinks this whole new body thing is the best thing EVER). We spoke of God and Jesus, established that they were both boys ("cool, mom") and then went on to talk about how God is a King and will come back to earth one day to establish a New Kingdom.

"Andandand, I will be a KNIGHT in da Kingdom"

(of course, since there's a King and a Kingdom, there has to be knights, right? Of course right!)

"Um, sure, Judah, you will be a knight for God"

"What do knights DO in da Kingdom?? Do dey FIGHT??"

(doh!)

"Umm, I don't think so... What do YOU think they do?"

"Ummm, I sink dey...sit around and kiss nice geeeuls.. and den dey will pray to Jesus and pray to God aaaaaaand.... den dey bring nice ladies to da King!"

*pause for deep thought*

"And DEN dey go andandand kill da dolphins. 'Cause dey're baaaad dolphins"

('cause, you know, he's three)