Judah is an introvert, so I address you for help. Although this may be a Judah problem, not simply an introvert oddity. He is quiet, slow, introspective, prefers intimate interaction to large groups of friends. He enjoys and needs lots of quiet alone time with his thoughts and imagination. I "get" all this. He's like his father and there are many things to love in these expected manifestation of introversion. I have learned that my role in his life is to make sure he still occasionally spends time with other people and learns to reach out of his comfort zone to minister to others.
But there's one aspect to this people-phobic child that I do NOT know how to deal with... He hates change.
Now, hear me out. I'm not talking about your typical child who hates to have his normal routine messed with. I mean, if Judah is coloring and I say it's time to go outside and play, he moans and groans and collapses on the floor in despair. If we're going out to a friend's house for lunch, he nearly has hysterics in the car on the way. Once we're there, he has a lovely time and cries when it's time to leave. It's rest time and he doesn't want to listen to the NEW audiobook. He wants the one he's listened to a hundred times already. If I FORCE him to listen to the new one, he loves it (nine times out of ten) and doesn't want to turn it off when it's time to go swim. Once he's swimming, he can't handle getting out of the pool for a snack. If he's doing math, he HATES language. If he has to stop Language to do Math, he HATES language. If he's playing with playdough, he can't stand the thought of riding his bike or getting out the legos..... Etc.
You see what I mean?
My tactic so far has been to largely ignore all this and go on ahead with my plans, knowing that he'll simply be about 20 min behind me all the way. But I'm starting to wonder if this is something legitimate that I need to consider. Do we simply need LESS variety in our day? Do introverts have a REALLY HARD time switching focus? Is it better to cater to that? Or gradually force him to be able to move from one thing to the next? Should our homeschool look more like one subject per day, instead of 20 min per subject each day?
7 comments:
Interesting questions. As the wife of a total introvert, it's been interesting learning how to deal with my hubs. (I did that personality test the other day and realized how MUCH I've changed since I got married!) I'll be very interested in what answers you get to this problem - and I'd post it on FB, too. Maybe I'll do it anonymously for you ;) I know that I've learned to move slower - to my GREAT frustration. I introduce new ideas a sentence at a time - like "hey, isn't this cool?" then a day later "What do you think of this?" then a week later "Did you get a chance to look at this?" then a week later "What would you think about doing this?"
Yes, it takes a LONG, LONG, LONG time to get anything accomplished this way....*sigh* but it helps to keep the stress level down in the house a little. Have you tried the old "10 more minutes in the pool, then we're doing....." thing? Evie is slightly like this (not nearly as extreme as Jude) - she's an interesting mix of Jeff and I. I find that the "warnings" of change to come help a lot - course with me 5 minutes is usually more like 20 ;)
Putting myself in his shoes as an introvert myself... think I would appreciate help in the self discipline of moving on. By that I mean, if you could give him the low down that a) you love him and want the best for him, b) the best for him is to move into the next thing because it's good and c) he's not allowed any more to fuss about it....that is how I see God dealing with me as my dad, and to have the practical tool of restraining one's immediate reaction out of respect for the authority, will lead to the appreciation for what the authority is actually doing. Does that make sense? Kind of some enforced quietness...I just see how God been dealing with the freak out reaction in me and part of it is the fear of God (respect for authority) which is the beginning of good stable acceptance of change (or anything else...wisdom in general).
That being said,I think you're onto something with the variety issue. Too much variety is definitely draining for an introvert! We love to get into something, feel it, analyze it, fully experience it, and if it's creative, perhaps do it over and over to the point of ocd...The deeper we can go into something, the more satisfied we are with it and ourselves and the world. It's energizing. Although admittedly sometimes we can get lost in the depths and need somebody to bring us back to the ordinary world for some food.
Which is why I said I would appreciate some tough love/discipline which would lead to trust people who are different and appreciate that I need them. We need both areas.
Forgive the slightly weird grammar there....typing on a phone.
Putting myself in his shoes as an introvert myself... think I would appreciate help in the self discipline of moving on. By that I mean, if you could give him the low down that a) you love him and want the best for him, b) the best for him is to move into the next thing because it's good and c) he's not allowed any more to fuss about it....that is how I see God dealing with me as my dad, and to have the practical tool of restraining one's immediate reaction out of respect for the authority, will lead to the appreciation for what the authority is actually doing. Does that make sense? Kind of some enforced quietness...I just see how God been dealing with the freak out reaction in me and part of it is the fear of God (respect for authority) which is the beginning of good stable acceptance of change (or anything else...wisdom in general).
That being said,I think you're onto something with the variety issue. Too much variety is definitely draining for an introvert! We love to get into something, feel it, analyze it, fully experience it, and if it's creative, perhaps do it over and over to the point of ocd...The deeper we can go into something, the more satisfied we are with it and ourselves and the world. It's energizing. Although admittedly sometimes we can get lost in the depths and need somebody to bring us back to the ordinary world for some food.
Which is why I said I would appreciate some tough love/discipline which would lead to trust people who are different and appreciate that I need them. We need both areas.
You have a treasure here, a child who can concentrate. D. told the story of a CEO who offered an employee $45,000 to come up with the most effective simple solution to improving efficiency and motivation in the company. The man studied the problem for some time and came up with a 2-step procedure. First, prioritize everything that needs to be done. Second, work on the first thing until it is done.The employee won his reward. This really works and the top priority should be necessary things, then HIS thing, whatever it is. Like Polly, I think this procedure should be modulated some, as he can become literally obsessive. You need to protect him from himself, but please don't destroy that drive and reduce it to a mere conformity to an academic regime. This boy seems to CARE about learning and doing. Why take that away and urge him to care about "doing school" instead? Twenty minute intervals would have driven me crazy at his age, introvert that I am.(Instead, I was in school, didn't go crazy, just "obeyed" and became completely dulled to the whole process of learning--so boring--until I went to college and was released to my own devices. Joy!) But it isn't all about being introverted. It is also about being very gifted intellectually. I am reading a book about the Scots right now, history book. Many of those 18th century Scottish intellectuals who influenced the whole world with their philosophies and inventions were fluent in Greek and Latin at 5. Do you think they could have done that on the Prussian educational model that America has adopted? 20-minute intervals--only if it is something that MUST be done, like eating, exercise, chores, then back to what is driving him. Raymond Moore has stories in his books about kids left to go like this on their own initiative figuring out problems the adults didn't understand, inventing new ways of doing things, creating works of art, and lots of other great things. We have kind of lost touch in the home-schooling movement with this individualized learning that really MAKES home-school home-school and not just school at home, a rather lame substitute for "real school," if academics is what you want. I know you don't want only that,though, especially for your boys. There is a locked up treasure in each of them, and it will come out if you don't get in the way too much (except, as I said, for their protection, and, I would add, as Polly said, for discipline to do necessary work and exercise and proper eating and rest, summarily BALANCE). Moore talks about a boy who liked nothing but motorcycles for a period in his life. His parents let him work on a motorcycle, read about motorcycles, do math in connection with motorcycles. The boy was immersed in motorcycles and turned out to be way ahead of his grade academically at the end of the period. You would enjoy reading the book, Homeschooling for Excellence, if you haven't already. Those boys raised goats on a mountaintop and had very little formal schooling. They read thousands of books--and ended up graduating from Harvard. There are lots of other great stories from the early days of home-schooling. Be encouraged: God's gift is in Judah and it will come out and develop as you let it and give him the balance and care he needs. I love that boy! He is different and has great parents who love his different-ness. In my mind I am giving him a huge hug right now. Please tell him so!
I completely empathize. I. Am. That. Way.
I hate change. I think in my lifetime I have begun finally to explore the goodness of it, though. For so long, I just suffered. I compartmentalized, I shut down my sorrow at everything changing.....and I just moved on. Life does move fast, and for people like us )Hobbits), we just don't adjust well. But I have found that because of a hatred of change, there dwells in me also a love for practice--repetition. So, if you take that love of repetition, and use it to practice "Change", you have a win-win situation.
For instance.
Use a chart and a watch to help him learn to control the change himself. A Suzuki principle would be good here, that is "Never ask a child to do something he cannot already do." Success breeds love of learning and builds confidence. So if I were you, I'd sit down and talk to him about what you're going to do, and hand him the watch, talk about it, and show him how to use it. Sit with him and repeat certain actions with it, like finding the start button, and ending the timer when it beeps. Then, have him practice timing himself at certain tasks, such as brushing his teeth (things he's already familiar with that he doesn't have trouble "ending.") After a couple days of using the watch for things, then show him his new school chart and show him how to set the watch for 45 minutes of reading or writing. Pick one or two subjects (the ones he is perhaps less inclined to grieve over when they are done) and do them for a few days. Then, next week, add the other subjects, and have him set his watch for each thing.
I have found that the grief over "loss" of things MUST BE EXPERIENCED. It is a true grief, just like saying goodbye to a loved one, or watching children grow up....to a child, it is grievous and sad to set aside an Enjoyed Task or Moment and move onto something that has no guarantee of fun. With grief, one must just simply experience it. When one experiences it thoroughly, then it is gone. If I were you, I'd let him have the watch, and let the inanimate watch be the TaskMaster, and then you can become the Comforter rather than the Hated Dictator who ruins All Fun Things.
Grief Must Be Experienced. If it is pushed away, it still stays, like a fly left in the house. It buzzes away quietly to some other room and causes bad or worse behavior.
Time is also the Great Healer of sadness/grief. If you are patient and very, very carefully consistent, he will grow. But I find it's like this for me: if I experience grief over a Household Move, and then grief over the loss of a friend, and then grief over a job change, then grief over losing something precious, and never get to experience any of those things again, I do not end up very strong. Just bruised. But, having dealt with separation from my husband....and then separation again....and then again....I find I am better at managing it healthily the 3rd time around. The same with a household move.
So if you're looking at his week and he has a different out-of-the-house activity every day of the week, and then next week he's home all week.....try to balance that out. Try "Playdate Wednesday" and "Library Thursday." Then he can prepare himself better, and grow through repetition and practice.
Ok, sorry, way too long a post. This is a topic near and dear to my heart, as I am finding Gracie now to be exactly like me. :P
Really, really good stuff, Susi. So true. Sometimes I wonder how long is long enough to grieve, before it becomes a lifestyle? A lifestyle of grieving? But then maybe the joy of being comforted also becomes a lifestyle too; "blessed are those who mourn . . . "
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