(April is Autism Awareness month, so this post is specifically about the experience of neuro-challenged parenting, but I want to high five all the moms out there dealing with the so-called "Silent", or "Invisible" disabilities. Just because you can't see a difference, doesn't mean there aren't massive challenges in a parenting relationship.)
Before you judge the anxious, hovering mother... before you roll your eyes at her circling, helicoptering: ask yourself if you know how long it's been since she watched her child fall apart-- bursting at the seams because someone inaccurately described the flight patterns of various raptors, or made a certain noise frequency at the wrong time. It may have been yesterday. It may have been five years ago. Some things take a very long time to forget.
She may never forget her five year old throwing himself over the side of the Costco cart, nearly hanging himself by the seat belt in the process, because he dropped the empty sample cup that had somehow, in an instant and without warning, become the ultimate talisman of security and safety; its sudden loss signaling the end of all comfort. She may never forget her child's sudden dash from safety into far, far away-- whether it was physical, mental, or emotional.
You become somewhat gun-shy after years of one completely unpredictable crisis after another. You tend to hover; circling, ever-vigilant. The warning signs are minute: the sharp intake of breath, the stare, the increased frequency and intensity of the knuckles drumming against the door frame, and there's a brief moment where the crisis may be averted. If you get it right, say the right words, follow the correct protocol, you may prevent the head-banging, the wailing, the running... or maybe not, after all. Sometimes there is no right way.
Before you call her permissive, a push-over, lenient-- judging her conciliatory, comforting response to a child seemingly out of control; ask yourself if you know for sure what that child is experiencing. Has a malfunction in your autonomic nervous system ever left you gasping in a wash of adrenaline-fueled terror because one of your shoes was tied tighter than the other? Have you ever been betrayed by your own brain chemistry, in an instant when an otherwise typically human variation in schedule, flavor, texture, or expectation triggers rebellion in the ranks of neurons and that variation suddenly looms, colossus-like, threatening all that is good and right in your world? Have you ever found yourself attempting to quell the three-ring circus of a creative brain stimulated by too many options and thoughts, never quite able to settle long enough on any one topic to express yourself fully?
Probably not. Probably your neuro-typical brain has never betrayed you to the nightmares of sensory processing disorders, autism, ADD/ADHD. Unless you are part of the 2%, you take your cognitive function more or less for granted. Unless someone you love is among the 1-in-10, you may have never considered the blessing of single-minded focus and smooth mental transitions.
So what can you do?
Assume the best, or nothing at all. Smile. Be aware. Be willing to listen, ask intelligent questions, educate yourself, reach out. But most of all, remember; things may not be what they seem. Be kind. Be patient.
(these are all my words, they are not all my stories)
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