Thursday, December 20, 2012

In which I complain about shopping trips with toddlers and my own klutziness

Today started out with Jamie peeing in his Spiderman undies-- DELIBERATELY-- because he wanted to wear his "Flash" undies, so I suppose I should have known...

But then the trip to Salvation Army went so well and I had a free drink on my Starbucks card, so I splurged and bought cake pops and hot chocolate for the boys and I found Jude's sneakers for only four dollars and then found out they were actually half price...

So I let my guard down.

And then we hit the restrooms at Ross...... Public restrooms are a nightmare. I hate them. I avoid them to the point of near embarrassment and then, when bladders are at the busting point, we trudge toward the germ-infested cesspool of Horrible like condemned men to the scaffold. This time was no different. Jamie tried to crawl under the door of an occupied stall twice. Judah cuddle the sink fervently. Both boys rubbed their entire bodies repeatedly up and down the long wall beside the changing table and then took turns raising and lowering the changing table apparatus about 123408745087 times.

And then, just as we were about to escape the madness (after THREE re-washings of hands), juggling coffee cups, toddlers, purse, etc through the door; a quick backwards turn to stop Judah from sticking his fingers UP the hand dryer caused me to jerk my coffee cup and a six-foot wave of thick black sugar-free-peppermint-mocha surged up and over the ENTIRE front of my blouse!

Let me share with you that there is NO WAY to clean thick black sugar-free-peppermint-mocha off a Christmas green blouse adequately with a wad of toilet tissue.



I walked out of the bathroom, trailing boys and an air of injured pride and still sporting a giant brown, grainy smear of  thick black sugar-free-peppermint-mocha covering the entire left side of my blouse. My bright, Christmas green festive blouse.

When you walk out of a public restroom sporting a giant brown grainy smear of brown ANYTHING, you know e.x.a.c.t.l.y. what people are going to think it is.


I held my head high and proud and continued on my way, found the rest of my items and headed for the checkout lane.

And then Jamie peed his pants again. And threw a temper tantrum when I tried to put his flip-flops back on so he could walk to the van because Ross doesn't let you take carts out into the parking lot I don't know why.

I gathered the remaining shreds of my dignity around me, grabbed my soaking wet toddler and dragged him out the door and as I passed the older woman in line behind us, I heard her chuckle....

"Hehehe, he just doesn't want to put his shoes on... he's so cute..."

By the grace of God, I managed to smile tightly and mutter something that could have been mistaken for politeness before exiting the store.

I think I will never use a public restroom again.

Never again.

Never again.


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