Saturday, June 12, 2010

My house looks sad now

It's been nearly a month since I last posted. A month full of the most unbelievable heights and depths of human experience. In the last month we have...

mourned the too, too early passing of sweet Gwenyth and her Aunt Marie

greeted the LATE arrival of Lilah Grace

said hello and then goodbye again to a brother/uncle/friend

named our son; James Oliver Forshey ("Jamie")

sold our house

found an apartment

met new friends, here and in Orlando-- both

packed our house

begun to say goodbye to all our friends, family and dear ones here in Virginia

As I look around me at the detritus of the last nine years of my life, I am often overwhelmed with sadness. In so many way, the timing of this move seems to be so horribly bad that it cannot possibly be the will of God for us. Leaving Hburg right now, practically on the eve of the birth of our third child, at a time when my sister needs my help and comfort, when our dear friends are floundering in such depths of grief, when our church is growing and blooming and our family has set down such deep roots of friendships here...

And yet, at every step of the way, we have laid the decisions on the altar and let the Lord choose for us. And He has led us inexorably toward this moment. Time after time, we've come to a crossroad and haven't known whether to go left or right, and at the crucial moment the Lord has simply and beyond our control, eliminated one or the other road, leaving us only one way to travel forward.

But as I look at the last nine years of my life, now half-packed into boxes (how is it possible that nine years can fit so neatly into cardboard boxes?), I cannot help being overwhelmed with sadness, regret and a strong desire to run away from all this change, to go back to What Life Was. To return to the Familiar and the Comfortable.

I have all these worries and fears that my head knows are not of Faith, but my heart cannot find peace over...

what if I cannot find a midwife in time and we have to give birth in the hospital?

what if I can't find any friends who love to drink tea?

do they even drink tea in Florida?

where in the world will we find a ballet teacher as good as Miss Cindy?

who will I oooo and aaah over wedding flower magazines with?

who will be friends with my kids?

what if all the women are much more mature than I, and my Sex in the City references fall completely flat?

who will I go bargain shopping with?

do I really need to worry about alligators?

will I ever find another house like this one?

Can I make it without all my friends from Harrisonburg???

I don't know the answers to these questions. But all I can do is continue to lay it all on the altar and keep putting one foot in front of the other as God provides one more step's worth of light.

When all around my soul gives way
He then is all my hope and stay
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand


Susannah Forshey said...

It's been a Doozy of a year, hasn't it? I am still crying over everything....every night, every morning. Everything you said.

Hosanna said...

Well, I know one thing, dearest. You probably don't have to worry about gators. :P
Seriously - I cannot imagine what this has got to be like for you - and being pregnant, to boot. I do know one thing: God is faithful. ALL the time. He's got it all in His big 'ol hands. And I will come visit you. We are planning on scattering Grandma's ashes on her favorite spot on the beach at Cocoa, I believe; and visiting you will be on my agenda.