Still pregnant, still contracting, still determined.
I spoke to my midwife the other day, just to touch base mid-week and let her know how things were going. In the course of the conversation, she reminded me that waiting till the timing is right and letting things run their full course is so much better than forcing labor to start before the baby and my body are ready. This I know. I know it intellectually, but right now I'm sick and tired of all this. This y'all know. :) I haven't been shy about telling it like it is. I told her on the phone, if anyone gave me half an excuse, I'd sign up on the dotted line for an induction RIGHT NOW. Even knowing all the statistics about the inevitable cascade of interventions and the likely-hood of a c-section (given my history). In the exhaustion and impatience of three days past my (ultrasound) due-date, I'd give up everything I know just to have it be OVER right now. She chuckled and then I sighed and admitted that was only half true, I really was committed to what I think is the Right Way and her job, and J's job, is to keep me from doing anything stupid while I"m half crazy with hormones and impatience. And then she said something that's been stuck in my head since then,
"You see, don't you? why so many women are talked into interventions they don't need by equally impatient medical professionals?"
Yes, yes I do.
People often respond to the fact that I'm having a home birth by saying things like "You're so brave," or "I would never have the never to do something like that." But the truth is, I have home births because I'm afraid to entrust myself to the medical mainstream. As a pregnant woman, I do not feel that they have my best interests at heart. I do not think the average ob/gyn is committed to helping me be and do my best-- to stick to what I want for my birth and my baby. Instead, I feel that they are there, hovering, waiting for me to reach the end of myself so they can swoop in with all their knowledge and equipment to "save the day". That's not what I want.
I don't want to be "saved" by impatient, well-meaning professionals who's main goal is to get a live baby out of my body as quickly and hassle-free as possible. I want to be encouraged, inspired, challenged to do my utmost. I want to be supported, uplifted, helped and inspired to endure to the end. I want to get through to the other side-- MYSELF-- and look back and know that by the Grace of God and with the help of my husband and women who were committed to Jamie's and my Best, I stayed the course. I accomplished something awesome, even though it was freakin' HARD.
In addition, I want, in the quietness of my home, and under the protection of my husband and knowledgeable women, to have the beautiful privilege of participating in the act of creation. To reach the end of myself and have, not a glove and a gown, but Almighty God, step in and extend His strength beyond my own. I want to be surrounded by peace and respect for the miracle of new life, as I reach forward and life my son into my arms.
In the end, the truth is, I home birth because I'm afraid of my own weaknesses. I am not a super-strong, militant, determined woman. Truth be told, I'm kind of a wimp. But a wimp with convictions about what's best for my baby. So I surround myself, during birth, with people who are passionate and strong and wise and who I know will help me make the right choices-- not the easy ones.
Because, seriously, if I could get my hands on a vial of pitocin right now.... Well, I could hardly be held responsible for my own actions at this point, right??