I am starting to really feel dragged down by this illness. Those of you who know me know that I don't do well as a sick person. I. Hate. being sick. I usually fight it out, wrestle it to the ground, stomp on it and then spit in its eye. All the while complaining quite loudly about my lot in life. But this time the tables are turned. I just can't seem to get my feet back under me. I think it's because the kids and J were sick for so long, I was already pretty worn out by the time I succumbed to It myself. And for some reason, I just can't seem to get enough sleep...
Anyhoo. I've been ministered to greatly by several posts on one of my favorite blogs in the midst of all this. Or perhaps I should say I've been convicted greatly. Both, really. Convicted of my lack of faith and ministered to by the admonition to have faith that God really is in control-- not me, and that's a good thing.
I don't know why God wants me to be sick and in pain right now, but He sees a greater good for me in this than if I were happy, healthy and in a fine fettle right now. (And when I say He "wants me" to be sick, I don't mean in the sense that He's up in heaven rubbing His fingers gleefully over it. I mean it in the same sense I "want" Sofi to learn how to overcome her shyness make friends by being in situations where she feels shy and uncertain.) Probably because if I were happy, healthy and in a fine fettle, I'd be less likely to be hanging onto Him with desperate fingers and more likely to be pushing full steam ahead in my own directions.
When I look back over my life, the times that I have seen the greatest Spiritual Maturation occur are those where I have been severely tested and have turned to the Lord for comfort. I remember specifically telling a friend at one time of my habit of offering my suffering up as a sacrifice and praise offering. Jen's examination of this idea is truly inspired. I wish I had written it myself. And while it may seem trivial to compare our month-long bout with the flu to things like childbirth, loss of a child or death, my point is-- suffering, of any kind, can have a sanctifying effect in the life of the believer, if viewed correctly.
But I digress. I highly recommend that you check out those few posts. Jen is an amazingly perceptive and wise woman and I am frequently sent to my knees by her observations about our Faith and Motherhood and lots of other things.