The grown-up me re-emerges

OK. So. The last post was written in something of a maelstrom of self-pity and frustration. As I spent the last day pondering what I wrote (yes, I know, I should ponder BEFORE I write) I realized that all that whining might even hurt some friends that read this blog and would literally give their right arms to trade places with me-- four weeks of contractions or no. So, in the spirit of gratefulness for the blessing that is this new life and repentance for my bad attitude, let's do a re-write. Only for penance, I'll leave the other one up, too. Honesty at all cost.

It's for the sake of dealing better with all this prodromal labor that I've decided to go ahead and let myself talk about "being in labor" this time around. I've decided not to play mind games, not to try and ignore contractions, or do crazy, herculean feats to try to get them to increase, or take all kinds of weird concoctions to get them to quit. But rather to just accept that this is the normal, GOOD working of my body to bring a baby into the world. It takes me two to four weeks to get a baby out. It just does.

I'm not going to say these are Braxton-Hicks, either. They're not. It's different. This is the same kind of ctx I have in labor, just less intense and less regular and predictable. B-H ctx feel like squeezing... like squeezing a rubber ball really hard and then gradually letting go. But these ctx have an edge, a sharpness, that B-H don't. Like squeezing a ball of tinfoil. Prickly, with edges. Later on, as labor progresses over the next few weeks, the edges will get sharper and harder-- although it's always one step forward, two steps back. Then, at some point, I'll notice that it's less tin foil and more like actual tin. And then we'll progress to the feeling of being in a car-crusher and then I'll call the midwife :)

When I can think rationally and calmly about simply being in the looooong first stages of actually bringing my child into the world, I'm able to be at peace about it. When I can agree with what my body's doing, instead of fighting it and trying to manipulate and change it, then I can accept what's going on. It lets me distract myself with other tasks, instead of getting all tense-- "will they stop? will they get harder? is this It? what should I do???"

The answer is, do nothing. Rest. Wait on the Lord. The good work He has begun in me, He will accomplish it in His own time.

As far as blogging goes, I intend to keep a kind of daily journal of how this weeks-long labor progresses. It might be helpful to Sofi one day, as an example of how the women in our family seem to do this :) Who knows? It may be good info for others in the meantime. Regardless, it will at least help me to articulate what's happening and keep track of the progress, as slow as it may seem in the moment.

As a disclaimer, I don't know if I have any male readers, but if so, y'all might wanna occupy yourselves elsewhere for a while here. Things might get a little TMI.