The other day a friend complimented my hair and asked what was different about it. Nothing, actually. I'd just been outside in the Spring Breezes (read: semi-hurricane). J has mentioned on occasion that my hair looks good a little tousled. My mother once told me that my gardening jeans were one of my best looks. The only time I eve have color in my cheeks is when I've been running around outside with the kids (the curse of my germanic heritage...), or engaging in some other kind of frenetic activity.
I'm leading up to something here, I promise. Keep reading.
I'm going to be turning 30 this year.
Now, I've never been one to bemoan the passing of years and my own aging. But I'm finding myself a wee bit nervous about this birthday.
Well, to be perfectly honest, perhaps a wee smidge bit more that that.
Actually, if you look closely, you'll see that 2009 has fingernail marks all along it from January into April.
In my defense, though, I'm not freaking out about Aging: The Process. It's just that I always looked ahead to myself at this age and saw a different person arriving here than the person I find myself to be now. I saw a person wiser, more settled, serene, confident and motherly (and thinner). Instead I find myself still scattered, impulsive, over-busy, too passionate about little things and anything but serene** (or thin).
On the flip side, in my calmer moments, I do see that the Lord has brought about so much good in my life. I begin to see more and more clearly the firm foundation that has always been under my feet, but that I am learning more and more to trust and lean on. I am more and more able to turn towards Him in moments of need and find my answer in His Grace. The Lord is teaching me how to be a conduit for the Living Water that He provides-- A Vessel, not a Source. So that what I do I truly do in His strength, not my own.
So the long and short of it is this post is; I'm thirty now. Not the perfect thirty I imagined, but the sinner-saved-by-grace thirty God has always meant me to be.
And I'm okay with that. Apparently Windblown is a good look for me.
**PS. Would you believe I stood up that same new friend a SECOND TIME the other night? Totally misread her rescheduling email as Thurs, not Tues..... See what I mean???