Monday, July 27, 2009

It's a beautiful afternoon, why am I so restless and stir-crazy?

I'll tell you why.

Babies.

Yep. There are two new ones in our church (by new I mean less than a week old) and at least one more on the way. And let me tell you, they are precious. So, so precious. And it's doing strange and mysterious things to my insides, people. It's baaad.

Here's the crazy thing. When I stop and think about having more children-- actually raising them, educating them, feeding them, training and disciplining them, I am quite content with the two that the Lord has given me. We've been so blessed. One boy, one girl-- we've gotten to experience the beautiful differences between the genders. We have two children whose personalities could hardly be more different-- that's been so amazing to watch. They are healthy, intelligent, (mostly) obedient, curious and joyful children. What more could we ask for?

But, oh! the babies....

*sigh*

I'm going to blame it on my past. For five years I was blissfully immersed in the world of pregnant women, birth and babies. On a weekly basis I was blessed and privileged to participate in the emergence of a human soul into the world. It is a high like no other, my friends. To stand with a woman in that hour is an honor. To struggle along beside her in the greatest test of her physical and mental endurance that she will ever face, and perhaps in some small measure to ease her task. To put my hands on that tiny head and guide it out into the world... It makes me tear up, just thinking about it. The atmosphere of intimacy, the palpable excitement and anticipation-- to stand on the edges of that bubble, looking in on the miracle happening again, right in front of my eyes, as it has time and again ever since Eve gave birth to Cain-- well, words fail me.

Can you understand why I feel the way I do about these stories of deception and selfish motives and abuse of power? And words do fail me. I have started and abandoned at least three posts about the "Pit to distress" fiasco we were all talking about a week or so ago. I just cannot find a way to express the outrage, the pain and frustration I feel when I read about women whose trust is being betrayed during one of the most vulnerable and impressionable times in their lives. A time when they should be gently surrounded in a bubble of intimacy, excitement and anticipation. When their Caregivers--people whom they trust to care for them-- should be standing watchfully outside that bubble, waiting, enjoying from a distance and supporting with their quiet patience. Not bossing, barking, pressuring, obscuring, manipulating, threatening and cutting their feet out from under them. Who are these people? Why are they doing this? How can they violate these women in this way??

And so, I am restless and stir-crazy. Frustrated words bubble up from deep inside and spill out foaming onto my monitor, making no sense--no logical arguments, just sadness. Just regret. Helplessness.


8 comments:

Susannah Forshey said...

I understand your frustration, believe me. With great knowledge comes great responsibility (not just power--though in a sense knowledge IS power.) You just have to pray and pray and pray when it comes to things like this, for the Lord to make use of the passion you have for all this knowledge. Just sitting in your head, it does no good. And, spilling out of your mouth in frustration, it also does no good. Put to use by the Holy Spirit, it can be useful, however.

Dawn Farias said...

Hmmmmm............

julie said...

I definitely understand not having words to express your anger and frustration about abuses of power... I feel that way about certain things, too. For me it is often the church - there is so much pain and damage inflicted in the name of Jesus, it both saddens and infuriates me - but how do I address these issues without deepening existing rifts? All I know is that staying silent doesn't help anything. I hope you find your words and continue to speak them aloud for the sake of pregnant women everywhere! I would have loved to have you by my side for my births!

2Shaye said...

It is horribly distressing. And having been there...having had TWO of my children ripped from me via UNnecessarean before we had our third in a perfect homebirth..I can also understand how words fail to see the state of birth. Sometimes you feel like you're preaching to the wall. But we gotta just keep lovingly speaking our truth. I think you did so eloquently in this post even if every last word in your heart didn't spill into your blog. It's still there--the passion. And I must thank you for that.

Hugs,

~Shaye

septembermom said...

Continue to speak from your heart. Your words probably mirror so many women's thoughts. It is scary when women feel strong armed into birthing according to others' schedules or priorities. I remember feeling so detached during my children's births. It was strange to be the center of attention but at the same time feeling sort of ignored during the whole process. Thank you for writing this post. It is important for women to have a more public voice when it comes to our birthing options.

Herb of Grace said...

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments here. It really does mean a lot to me to be validated by my internet (and RL) buddies :)

Dawn Farias said...

See, I told you, I was not being cryptic, just boring. I wanted to comment something so I could affirm in some small way the passion in your post. I just didn't know what to say so I Hmmmmm-ed.

Edith said...

Thought you might be interested in this link:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8150150.stm

Edith