Monday, January 19, 2009

State of Emergency

(I hope Sue doesn't get mad that I've bent the rules a wee tad bit. I wrote this post as soon as I saw her announcement of this new meme and then I liked it sooo much that I just had to post it right away! But I did write it specifically for Very Funny Fridays on Navel Gazing... so that should cover me. I hope.)

Last weekend it got really cold here. Really Cold. For example, it was -5 degrees (yes, that's a minus sign) when we woke up to find (drumroll, please) that our pipes had frozen. Not burst, but frozen. Only a trickle of water came out of the most energetic faucet. J spent several hours crawling around under the house and we eventually got the water back.

But.

And herein lies the tragedy.

The shower has not recovered.

Sounds of weeping and sobs of anguish emerge from the internets to assault your ear.

It's been days since I had a shower. I've been taking regular baths, mind you, but no shower. Now, I don't know how many of you people reading this are moms, but those of you who are can agree with me on the significance of the roaring hot shower with full-on, conservation-be-damned water pressure to one's daily mood and coping abilities. Can I get an Amen? Thank you.

Now just imagine for a moment, if you will (but only a moment, I don't want any of you hyperventilating on my behalf), three days without a shower. Just baths. And I don't mean long luxurious, bubble/salts/fizzy-filled baths with books, poofy towels and soft music. I mean fill-it-up-quick-squat-in-swipe-at-legs-with-razor-(at least the parts that might show)-lather-rinse-repeat kind of bath.

*shudder*

I know. It's baaaad.

And it's made even worse when you consider my history of being raised in the middle of the God-forsaken-boondocks-back-of-nowhere in a house where hot water was a commodity traded amongst five siblings like gold, by parents for whom Water Conservation was second only to the Whole Wheat Flour in sacredity (yes, that's a word). And so baths were not even a fill-up-the-tub affair. We had one of those long rubber hoses that attach to the faucet and water trickles out of the sprayer (hah, that's a joke) thingy at the end. You just squat down in the cold, dry tub and huddle under the thin stream of lukewarm water until you can't take it any longer and call it a day. Hair washing was token, at best. I don't think I shaved past my knees more than once a week. I know, TMI. Sorry.

People of the internets, I tell you truthfully, I did not take a shower in my own house until I married my sweet, sweet J. Truth to tell, I may have married him simply to get my own bathroom with a real, live, showerhead in it. But don't tell him that. He still thinks I married him for his money.

Anyways.

My point is that with a background like that, sending me back to the dark days of no daily shower is like sending a reprieved man back to death row because of a technicality in his appeal (shut up, lawyer people, I know that's not Really Possible, I'm just making a point here). It's cruel and unusual punishment. It's practically water-boarding, only in reverse.

J says we can't afford to call a plumber since he'll probably want to rip out the whole darn thing before he'll even give us an estimate on what it will cost to fix it. I says, perfect time to remodel the bathroom, since we've been planning to do it for-like-ever. J says we don't have the money for that right now. I says, but I'm getting paid for the new semester in three short weeks. J says okay, we'll talk about once we have the money. I says, three weeks without a shower is gonna kill me dead. He laughs, pats me on the back and boots up the laptop.

Can a girl get some sympathy from her internets at least?

20 comments:

Matt, Lauren & Noah Valentine said...

AHHH! Wow Elisa, I actually had to read part of this out loud to Matt cause it was so funny...but I am seriously feeling your discomfort. Please please come use our shower! It only takes about 3 minutes to get to our place...seriously, please feel free, just give me a call first. Please please please!

Susannah Forshey said...

:D This is hilarious! I know--no, i KNOW what you're talking about. Been in that cold, dry tub under that not-so-warm drizzle. Washed hair under that, too. Yep. It's pretty cruel, and definitely unusual. You can have my shower, too, it's just, um, really far away. :)

Rebecca said...

I can sympathize! You don't have to be a mom to understand that emotional need for a real shower! Yikes, good luck with that.

Herb of Grace said...

Thanks guys, I feel a bit better now. But this morning's bath was cold and accompanied by screams and fighting from the offspring, so Lauren, I may just take you up on that offer soon...

Polly said...

Pain is the release of weakness from the body. And that goes for cold baths. :P
Honestly, Lis--it's not that bad. I still live here, and we get plenty hot water. :)

Herb of Grace said...

Ah, Polly... there you go trying to make lemonade out of lemons again...

Define "lots" of hot water.

Gramoni said...

I'm with J. it will do you good, and your kids will profit from the "deprivation" (Remember G. MacDonald's words, "he had the advantage of being born poor"). Only problem is the kids may have some choice words for you down the road, not appreciating the "opportunity". (motherly back-pat) :)

Melissa said...

Oh my gosh! My first apartment had one of those rubber things that attached to the faucet. I had forgotten about it until now (actually I probably just suppressed the memories)!

You got sympathy from me, girl! I don't know how you're doing it.

Good luck!

Polly said...

Would you rather I sit and cry over the lemons? :<>

Herb of Grace said...

Nope, just laugh when I make them funny.

Sue said...

That's hilarious. I say mess around with his internet, make it dial-up slow, and hold it hostage till he agrees with you about the shower.

And seriously, don't worry about linking to old posts - that's totally allowed. The point is that it's FUNNY. :>

Herb of Grace said...

OMGosh! Sue just commented on my blog!!!!!!!!!

*going some place quiet to freak out*

:)

Heather of the EO said...

I am SO not a bath girl. I do feel your pain. When I do get a chance to shower, I find I do my best thinking there. It is where all good blog posts are born, in my humble opinion.

You poor thing...

Carey said...

Yikes. That's like... camping. I feel for ya. Not only do I need my shower, but I need water so hot you can barely stand it. Not funny! But your telling of the story is hysterical. Great post!

jennifer said...

All I can say is bless your ever lovin' heart. I would DIE. Actually I would probably stink because baths are EEEWWWW to me. I NEED to have the grime flowing away from me and down the drain. I don't want to stew in it.

I bet that didn't help one little bit. Sorry. I'll pray for your pipes, K?

Herb of Grace said...

Thanks, ladies :) I agree that the best blog posts are often born in the shower, but sometimes lack of a shower can be inspirational as well. Thankfully!

ANd, Jennifer, I've totally already thought of that. Often. So no worries about bringing it up.

Sue, (having now calmed down enough to respond to your comment) I would totally do that, but

a) I wouldn't know how to do anything to the internet without his help, and
b) It would end up annoying me more, since he uses the connection at work more than home anyway!

Ah well...

myimaginaryblog said...

Where do you live? You don't have to answer that, but IF you live in Utah Valley I know a really fabulous, kind of eccentric plumber who will not do ANYTHING without giving you a fair estimate and will do the job as cheaply as he can. Let me know if you want the info.

myimaginaryblog said...

Oh, duh, it hasn't been -5 in Utah Valley. Well, you absolutely have my very heartfelt sympathy. And I think Sue's onto something . . . maybe you can stop being able to cook until you have a hot shower again? (If you are someone who cooks. That one wouldn't hold water with my husband since it wouldn't be a change, but I'm just trying to brainstorm for you here.)

Melinda said...

AGH! Thats horrible!! I love my showers, and HOT water--so I feel for ya! You're a better woman than I am, I'd be cutting some wires or something...:) (Very funny by the way!)

Herb of Grace said...

I might be cutting wires too, but you have to admit, when there's no money, there's just no money :)

You should all check back in a few weeks and see if there's an update about a bathroom remodeling project in the works.... Who knows? These days of drudgery could turn out to be a Godsend!