Tonight I had a moment of self-realization I would like to share with you. And a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon which I believe I will keep to myself. It may or may not have had anything to do with the self-realization. But that's beside the point. Here's what I realized.
I am good at what I do. But I do too many things to do a good job of any of them.
Let me elaborate. I am a good teacher. I relate well to other people. I am chameleon-like in my ability to adapt my teaching style to the needs of the individual students. Really. You should see me. Even my tone of voice and accent switch instantly as one child files out and the next files in. It's kind of scary. I can think up new ways to describe things on the spot. I have even been known to invent exercises to teach a particular posture or technique on the spur of the moment. I make up a song to fit the cadence of the child's name in no time flat. I am good.
But. I lack the time to further my education in teaching and in music-- particularly theory, which is my weakest link. I don't have time to take on more students, advertise for more students and expand my studio.
I am a good wedding designer (go away, Susi, I'm having a moment here, just let me have it). I have a good eye for color, balance, design. I have tons of ideas. I'm not the hottest on technical expertise, but I can usually jimmy-rig my way out of a jam and get the job done. (duct-tape is my friend...) I am good at taking broad, general ideas and vague notions and sifting them down into workable specifics and organized details. I love working with people and flowers and I loooove weddings.
But. Again, I don't have the time for further education. I don't have the time to advertise for more clients, work on our website or refine our business details so we can actually make money doing what we do.
I'm a good homeschool mom. I enjoy doing it. I love to learn, explore and create. I have tons of ideas for cool ways to teach Sofi stuff. I love my kids-- I love to spend time with them. I super-love watching them learn things. I enjoy researching topics and finding cool facts, pictures, video, and etc (the interwebs are my best friends!).
But. I don't have time to spend hours planning cool projects and taking field trips. My daughter is six and has never done the super-awesome thing where you pour vinegar into the volcano model and watch it errupt. We've studied volcanos, but we skipped that part because it was too messy and time-consuming. I have a toddler in the house, for pete's sake. I'm lucky if I get the laundry done before we run out of clean clothes each week. (which reminds me.... 'scuse me for a sec)
(Okay, cleans are in the dryer. Where was I? Ah yes.)
I'm a pretty good housekeeper, seamstress, home decorator, cook and writer, but none of these things ever get my attention and time in the quantity and quality needed to really produce something great, because I'm always spending all my time trying to keep everything from falling completely apart. I dab at this and poke at that-- the proverbial duck paddling like the devil underneath, just to keep afloat.
So what is the answer? I don't know. I don't even know what the question is. I'm not upset/depressed by this revelation, just pondering it. Wondering if this is the normal way of things for a mother of young children, or if the Lord is asking me to change things. Perhaps He wants me to drop out a few things and focus on attaining exellence in the others. I kind of hope not. I'm rather attached to all these things I do. Perhaps He is satisfied with his jane-of-all-trades-mistress-of-none and I needn't worry, but rather keep on paddling. I don't know. Not yet. Hopefully I'll find out soon.